Jesus is dead, lying cold behind a rock in His tomb. All His disciples have scattered; all of them feeling scared, alone, abandoned.All of them insecure about their future, now that their anchor, their compass, their direction, their leader is dead. He told them He would rise again on the third day, but the death they saw Him experience robbed them of all hope of a resurrection.So now they sit, pensive, deep in thought, full of heartache and uncertainty about their future.Some even going back to who they were before they met Jesus.This day, the in between day, is a very dark, uncertain day. A day that seems to last forever.
I feel like that today.I feel like that about being a good enough mother , a good enough wife, a good enough friend, a good enough person. The first few years of marriage and motherhood is undoubtedly tough. It is something none of us are born knowing, but something that we have to learn as we go.But that does not make the going easy or the feelings of inadequacy any less. I feel especially insecure about my mothering skills. There are times when i get so flustered, like this morning for instance, and i reprimand my son, and i see that it actually hurts him rather than reprimands him. I see him in the midst of my scolding, trying to get me to stop and reaching out to me to hold him instead and cuddle him and tell him that i love him. So i grab him in my arms, and hold him tight, and feel so much pain in knowing i have caused my son pain. It is at times like now, that i feel the most insecure about my abilities and even about God coming through for me to help me overcome the inadequacies in me.It is at times like these that i can relate to the disciples' pain and their sense of loss on so many levels. But just like the disciples had to , i know i have to wait too; and wait in hope. Because after all, Jesus did tell me that "He is alive, that He has conquered death and this world for me, and that despite the fact that i will indeed face trials, testings, tribulations and frustrations, i am to be of good courage and not give up hope.For He who is coming, will come and not tarry"; and when He does come, He will bring with Him clarity, wisdom, joy, peace and much more. So there is hope. Even in my darkest times of insecurity, there is hope. And that is why Christ is and has to always be my hope of glory. otherwise, i would not get to the other side where i see the resurrected Christ and where, just like for the disciples, i will make my call secure, and be empowered to do and be all that I can be- in this case, a good enough mum.
I feel like that today.I feel like that about being a good enough mother , a good enough wife, a good enough friend, a good enough person. The first few years of marriage and motherhood is undoubtedly tough. It is something none of us are born knowing, but something that we have to learn as we go.But that does not make the going easy or the feelings of inadequacy any less. I feel especially insecure about my mothering skills. There are times when i get so flustered, like this morning for instance, and i reprimand my son, and i see that it actually hurts him rather than reprimands him. I see him in the midst of my scolding, trying to get me to stop and reaching out to me to hold him instead and cuddle him and tell him that i love him. So i grab him in my arms, and hold him tight, and feel so much pain in knowing i have caused my son pain. It is at times like now, that i feel the most insecure about my abilities and even about God coming through for me to help me overcome the inadequacies in me.It is at times like these that i can relate to the disciples' pain and their sense of loss on so many levels. But just like the disciples had to , i know i have to wait too; and wait in hope. Because after all, Jesus did tell me that "He is alive, that He has conquered death and this world for me, and that despite the fact that i will indeed face trials, testings, tribulations and frustrations, i am to be of good courage and not give up hope.For He who is coming, will come and not tarry"; and when He does come, He will bring with Him clarity, wisdom, joy, peace and much more. So there is hope. Even in my darkest times of insecurity, there is hope. And that is why Christ is and has to always be my hope of glory. otherwise, i would not get to the other side where i see the resurrected Christ and where, just like for the disciples, i will make my call secure, and be empowered to do and be all that I can be- in this case, a good enough mum.
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